I recently spoke to Grazer about his new book, Face to Face: The Art of Human Connection. Grazer and director Ron Howard co-founded Imagine Entertainment, a film company that’s made some of the most memorable–and highest grossing– films and television shows of our time: Splash, A Beautiful Mind, Apollo 13, 8 Mile, The Da Vinci Code, Arrested Development, and many others.
Grazer told me that producing a movie is like being an entrepreneur who constantly starts a new project or company. With every movie, a producer needs to sell a vision and build an attractive pitch for everyone who will help them take an idea from inception to the big screen. The secret to his success is a simple, powerful tip that will help you pitch, persuade, convince and make friends with nearly everyone you meet.
About forty years ago, early in their partnership, Ron Howard turned to Grazer after a meeting and said, “Do you realize you seldom look other people in the eye when we’re meeting with them?” Grazer knew Howard was right. Grazer had a habit of multitasking–reading something or jotting down lists–while people were talking. “If you don’t look people in the eye when they talk, they don’t feel respected,” Howard said.
From that moment on Grazer resolved to look at the people he was talking to. As soon as he did, something “magical” began to happen. He became more successful at negotiating film deals, building connections with actors, directors and partners, and making friends with the most powerful and connected people in the movie business.
“Nobody is going to make any major decision in your favor unless they feel a human connection. It all begins with eye contact,” Grazer told me. Connecting with people by looking at them in the eye and really paying attention to them is “the most important skill” Grazer’s ever learned.
Grazer offers three specific tips to build the skill of connection through eye contact.
1. Put away the screen.
Grazer says we’re losing the art of forming strong connections because we “attend to our devices” instead of the person in front of us. “The more we send messages via text, email, and social media rather than meeting and talking face to face, the more comfortable we become looking down at our screens rather than at one another. And the loss is huge.”
Grazer’s advice reminded me of a lunch I had years ago with a company president who wanted me to work for him. He spent the entire lunch checking emails on his Blackberry, even when he asked me questions about my long-term goals. I didn’t take the job. In hindsight, it was a good thing. It’s the day I decided to work for myself.
If you’re trying to recruit someone to join your team, give them your full attention.
2. Obey the seven-second rule.
According to research Grazer cites in his book, “The ideal length of time to hold a person’s gaze if you want to form an authentic connection is seven to ten seconds.” Interestingly, Grazer says if you’re talking to people in a group, you should hold your gaze with any one person for a shorter period of time–three to five seconds.
3. Start conversations with an open heart and mind.
Grazer says too many people approach relationships as ‘transactional.’ In other words, they’re only interested in how the other person can help them get ahead. Instead, Grazer suggests we approach conversations with a genuine interest in learning more about the other person. It sends the signal that you are “present” and that you really want to know what motivates them and what they care about.
“There is not one person on earth, regardless of their industry, status or passions, who doesn’t crave that kind of validation,” says Grazer.
The best leaders are skilled at eye contact, the “ignition point” for the start of any relationship, according to Grazer. If you can’t connect, you can’t convince people. If you can’t convince people, you won’t have any followers. If you don’t have followers, you can’t call yourself a leader.
“Eye contact matters,” says Grazer. It sure does.